It's been a little while since I posted. You all must've thought I've given up by now. Not so fast. Life is changing every day and its getting harder, but I'm still here.
I've started seeing a therapist. There are talks of meds, because my anxiety is getting out of control. I work a job that tests the very last nerve in me daily. I'm thankful to have the paycheck, but I certainly can't wait to finish my degree and put it to use.
I'm in school for Health and Wellness, I have dreams of turning what I've done here on this blog into a career for myself. I'm in my second year, have two more to go. I have a good car, an okay paying job, and have been in a relationship with the same man for two years now. Funny how life works. I never thought I'd make it this far.
I'm feeling stagnant again though. I want my life to advance, and it seems at every turn things are just not going. Depression has been kicking my ass for weeks now, possibly longer. I have been in a suicidal brain for quite some time. I'm still here, though. I'm fighting with it every single day. I don't know what has moved me to start writing on here again, but I have got to get this stuff out.
I've joined a local gym. This week has been kinda shitty with going, but I had car trouble. Thanks to a good friend, my car is fine now and we'll be going back tomorrow as usual. I'm not doing as great as I'd like, but I'm getting there.
I don't need life to be easy. I get that for every person, there are struggles. I'd just like for my struggles to be because I'm moving forward, not just standing still. I'm fighting for it, but nothing is happening. I need life to be a little less hard for a minute. I've fought through so much crap in my life, you'd think these seemingly little things, the normal things, wouldn't shake me. They do. I'm so far behind my peers and am desperately trying to catch up. I'm not sure I ever will.
I'm in a desperate place. I'd do anything to be able to quit working while I finish school, but we can't afford for me to do that. Call centers don't pay enough to even think about it. I'm actually in a spot where if something doesn't change, I'm going to have to quit school and get a second job. I don't want to quit school. It means everything to me. At the same time, do people like me ever do anything anyway? Its like our generation was designed for failure, when we're capable of greatness beyond our wildest imaginations. I don't want to get rich from youtube videos, I want to make my money doing something important. I don't ever care if I'm rich, I just care if day to day expenses aren't so hard to cover.
I think I'm going to start blogging again, but I'm not sure what this page will turn into. I know my therapy will help me in ways I never thought I could be helped. I hope that it puts me on my path to greatness. My definition of greatness doesn't include millions of dollars, it includes doing things that help others, and in return being able to live a modestly comfortable life while doing so. I keep hoping for my miracle, so far nothing.
I'm sorry that its been so long. I will update more from now on, I need to start getting this all out anyway, even if I'm the only one who ever sees it.